One of life's most painful experiences is the death of a relationship, be that a business, friendship, family or sexual relationship. Unlike the death of a person, where there is an irrevocable change in the nature of the relationship, when a relationship dies, it's more complicated - the other one often doesn't just disappear. They have access to our shared loved ones, mutual friends, or business assets, and there are often legal loose ends that require co-operation. However we undergo a "bereavement" that can feel as painful as if a loved one has died.
Like any bereavement, there is sadness, guilt, anger, resentment, loneliness and more. Worse, this other person can make all our emotional defences crumble instantly when we're in their presence. Worse still, in their own hurt, they often will without restraint push all our buttons that elicit emotional override and make us behave in unhelpful ways that we regret later.
The real agony is the hope - the possibility that, however remote, things can be put right. That hope often can be exploited by the other, who will be nice to gain access to us and mess with our heads all over again like we have made no progress at all.
Often we're just not strong enough to resist the emotional onslaught that the mere presence of this other person evokes. Robust we may be, we're not invincible, particularly against someone who knows exactly where to strike - so what do we do?
It may help to follow a certain procedure of thought - this involves asking yourself some questions.
1. IS THE RELATIONSHIP DEAD?
Be honest with yourself, weighing up your expectations against what has occurred. Can a productive relationship still exist?
2. IS THERE ANY SIGN OF RECONCILIATION?
Is the other person willing to change, compromise or discuss the issues?
3. WHO WAS THE CULPRIT?
Who was in the last analysis responsible for the end of the relationship? Who made the biggest breach in mutual expectations?
4. CAN YOU BE CONTROLLED IN THEIR PRESENCE?
Can you conduct yourself in a dispassionate way in their presence?
5. SO WHAT NOW?
If it's over, you cannot indefinitely continue to mourn in the ruins of your relationship. At some point you must compose yourself and build a new life or make a new plan, for the sake of those you can still make a difference for as well as for your own sake. If the relationship is dead. You cannot afford time or energy hanging around, dwelling on or re-living something that is beyond doubt dead.
That said, it can be a good idea to set aside a mourning period where I will acknowledge my loss and remember good times and things before the relationship died - the way it was, so long as outside these times you get on with your life.
It died, it happens. Best friends, lovers, business partners, siblings and family members split apart, often acrimoniously all the time - its life. Sometimes your highest motives aren't enough to save it. Bottom line must be - deal with it, get on with it, and push on to realize your new goals, through new people, new relationships and the ones still intact.
I hope some of this helps you.
