If anything made you realise how god-awful a book was, it was watching the film production.
Okay, so 50 Shades of Grey has hit the big screen and droves of giggling girls ascended onto their local cinema. Unfortunately, I was one of them, yet aged 23 and admittedly feeling completely embarrassed. One of my friends had become newly single and what better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than with your female friends thinking you have one over on the male race by watching a film completely 100% about pleasure? Or so it seemed.
Of course, the expectation of this film was fairly low to begin with (after they stupidly denied Alex Pettyfer the role as Christian Grey - an error on their part), but it appeared that this production of the E.L James novel was even worse than I previously thought. I suppose, for a book written originally as Twilight fan fiction, it was evident that the film would also lack any form of imagination.
Luckily, this film was an 18 and although there was something quite strange about having bouncers on doors to the cinema (are people really that desperate to see it that they would attempt to get in with a fake I.D, I ask?), it was refreshing to know that all the excitable groups of girls weren't too young and I didn't feel like babysitting or covering their eyes. The outrage people felt when it appeared 50 Shades of Grey could be certified a 15 reflects the fact that a majority of audiences were going to see it for either one of two reasons, to watch a film about sex or drool over Christian Grey.
Anyway, back to the film at hand...
From the clichéd fall into Mr Grey's office to the unsubtle sexual references, it was clear that this film was everything you expected - a Hollywood, predictable take on sex. It was almost as foreseeable as the fact that they released it on Valentine’s Day – a very well-thought through plan that I’m sad to admit I bought into. Sex is a subject that can be done tastefully and 'edgy', which makes it seem quite beautiful, but this film was blunt, monotone and lacked character (and ironically, colour).
I'm not a prude either, in fact; I’m the complete opposite, but even I got tired of the persistent close-ups of Anastacia's nipples and short shots of her hairy body. I mean, yes, we understand that she is completely unprepared for sex with Mr Grey but frankly who wants to see an unshaven vagina on the big screen - especially when you're sat at the front? Note, don't sit at the front. I've seen 9 Songs, I've (somewhat enthusiastically) watched Shame - I can handle sex scenes, but these were cringe-worthy clips of naughty paraphernalia, awkward bodies moving and a few deadpan swear-words thrown in.
If there was anyone else not enjoying the film more-so than myself, it was the poor boyfriends who had taken their other halves to watch 50 Shades on the 14th. If he is happy with you drooling over a hunky billionaire for two hours, he must definitely love you - MARRY HIM. If he didn’t take you, marry him anyway – he evidently has good taste in films.
However, it wasn't all terrible. It appeared that the director had made one correct decision – choosing The Weeknd’s Earned It as one of the soundtracks. As a renowned popular choice for love-making, The Weeknd’s seductive, sensual tones complemented 50 Shades of Grey extremely well. To quote my friend when the credits rolled and this song filled the cinema screen: “Well, THAT was the best thing about the entire film". And I couldnt agree more.
After Sam Taylor-Johnson directed Nowhere Boy, we all had high hopes; unfortunately, 50 Shades of Grey was everything that the film about John Lennon wasn’t – completely colourless. If anything highlights just how bad a book is, it’s the awkwardly-cringey film production.
Download the soundtrack and save yourself a small fortune on cinema tickets, I mean; who wants to watch a film about somebody else's sex life anyway?
