"Only a couple of weeks until Valentines Day." As the most terrifying sentences you will ever hear go, this one is up there with "Hosted by John Barrowman."

Well guess what, it is only a couple of weeks until Valentines day! So what are you going to do about it? Chances are if you are male, you haven't planned anything yet. If you are female, your probably thinking your other half has planned an awesome surprise. Nope, they haven't planned anything yet. Fear not. I will now help you plan the perfect Valentines day in and around Evesham.

To start with, you need to establish wether or not you have a partner. The best way to find out is to look at your Facebook profile, quite often your relationship status will be on there. If you're really lucky it'll even include the name of your partner and a picture, which will make identifying them even easier. Isn't technology brilliant?

Once you have done this you need to start planning. I am going to aim this mainly at the men, because wether you like it or not the onus will undoubtably be on you. Don't ask your wife/girlfriend what they would like to do because they'll say something along the lines of - "I'm not really fussed." What this most inconspicuous of phrases actually means is - "this is the most important evening of our relationship to date, mess up and your going to regret it sunshine."

You could plan to cook a meal at home. Sounds romantic, we've all seen "Come Dine with Me", it looks easy. It could work, but what if it all goes wrong? Nothing says I love you like a box of six McNuggets. It's too risky. You need to go out for a meal. Fortunately there are loads of places in Evesham you can go for good food - Petty Raj, The Blue Lagoon, The Beckford, Rilys, and the Chequers Inn. You'll need to book a table as soon as possible. Not February 13th.

So, you booked a nice romantic meal, well done. You're probably thinking, job done. We'll go for some food, then home for Match of the Day 2 and a couple of tins. The perfect evening. Wrong.

The meal is going to be the centrepiece of the evening, but you need to dress it up with all manner of frilly decorative bits. You know, the kind of thing you see on dining tables in the Marks and Spencer furniture catalogue. Glittery shapes and the like. Very pretty, but ultimately superficial and going to end up embedded deep in the carpet.

You will need to get some flowers. Get them delivered before the meal. Women like flowers, as much as men like to own every possible type of screwdriver going. Why not get in touch with Snowdrops Florist, who will be able to help.

So we have flowers and a meal. We are getting there. We need to cover what happens, after the meal. Oh, and don't think I'm talking about that! If you need my advice on that, you really are in trouble.

I'm talking about Chocolate. Chocolate is scientifically proven to make women happy. What could be better than chocolate? Why not go that one step further and give her personalised chocolate? That way when you try and steal some, she can say "Oi! I don't see your name on it." Which will make her feel all smug. My Little Wrapper can help out with this.

A perfect evening in Evesham then. Follow these steps and you'll be absolutely fine. Screw it up and you'll feel like Christine Bleakley, alone on the sofa watching Adrian Chiles go on about West Brom. Not a pretty situation is it?

By Mike Sheward

If you found this funny, why not check out www.shewy.co.uk . It's choc full of hilarious goings on mixed in with just the right amount of bitterness, resentment and geekiness. .