Beryl and Tiddles have been pushing me to get on an evening course, I’m sure they’re up to something! So I went along to the open evening at the Lichfield Campus and browsed through their evening classes. Now I see myself as a little artistic and so I’ve joined up for the drawing and painting class which starts in April. They have lots of different courses available and if you’re interested go online to have a look www.southstaffs.ac.uk/about-us/lichfield-campus and you can see the courses which are coming up. Their next opening evening is on 6 May from 6-8pm. Beryl and Tiddles are delighted that I’m going to be out of the house for at least four hours every Wednesday, maybe they want to watch Rude Tube which I strongly dislike.

Anyway, Tiddles needs to watch her step. I have had to order a new door mat from Amazon which has been on it’s way for six weeks even though I‘ve contacted them several times I still haven‘t received it. The reason for the new door mat is because Tiddles keeps bringing home her catches and leaving the intestines on the doormat for me to clean up every morning. Beryl refuses to clean them up not that she’d be very effective after a night on the vodka bottle. Consequently the doormat was wet and slimy and when I returned home from work one evening I skidded on the doormat catapulting myself into the front door head first. As a result I had a bruised nose and two black eyes. Tiddles laughed when she saw me, what a cheek! I was tired and irritable after a hard day at work, the house was shuddering from Beryl’s drunken snores and before I could stop myself I told Tiddles that I’d had a call from the vet, he wanted to check her heart over (he hadn’t, I was just being nasty). Well, Tiddles went mad, jumped onto the side of the sofa and while hanging there told me she refused to go to the vet as she doesn’t like the smell or talking to the other moronic animals she meets there. I can tell you I felt terrible and made cheese and biscuits with Branston Pickle (Tiddles favourite) and a pot of tea. We sat on the sofa watching Educating Joey Essex drinking tea and nibbling our cheesy biscuits and I confessed what I’d done to Tiddles. She was very gracious but I know Tiddles and just like Beryl she will be saving this transgression for a later date when she will throw it back at me in exchange for a bowl of Science Plan. Anyway, we made up and she purred a little and we both crept up the stairs that night past Beryl’s bedroom and into our own room and cuddled up with sweet dreams. The last words I said to Tiddles that night were ‘I still haven’t got a new door mat’. I couldn’t see in the dark but I know Tiddles was smirking.