I was bought up in what people would think was a good family home. I went to school and got all my qualifications including my GCSE’s and A –Levels. However what people dont see behind closed doors I was adopted at the age of 5 and as I got older my relationship with my adoptive parents was strained and I suffered emotional abuse.
I ended up leaving home when i was 17 years old and I did go and do my level 2 in mechanics and became one of the first female mechanics in Wolverhampton.
Also at this age I started taking recreational drugs with my friends as they were all doing it. When I left home I lived in a couple of hostels and in one of these hostels I met a guy who I thought was lovely and we got on really well. It wasnt until about 2 months into the relationship I found out he used heroin and crack. At this time I didnt really know what these drugs were so it didnt really bother me as it had no effect on my life. However that changed when he went to jail for the first time.
I ended up pregnant with my first child. Then as time went on he started getting possessive and saying things that would make me feel bad about myself and as the years went on I really did believe all these things he was saying. I ended up having another 3 children with him. I stayed because I thought I did love him and I did for a lot of years.
The abuse got worse and worse over the years and I ended up trying heroin and crack.
In that moment it blocked out all the hurt and the pain I felt. I started shoplifting and my addiction was growing; I just wanted more to block out that pain.
My children suffered because of this. I tried my hardest to battle the addiction and be a good mom to my amazing children.
I ended up going to jail myself when my third child was 18 months old. Even though I was only gone for a few weeks, by the time I came out my youngest had forgotten who I was. That broke my heart and I was determined to stay clean and not leave my children again.
However my partner was still using and I was still suffering domestic abuse in silence and after a few months I was using again to block out the abuse. I used to go shoplifting just to not be around him for that little bit longer.
I ended up in jail again.
Then he discovered mamba and it just got worse for me and my children. He started hitting me when he didnt have it and my children witnessed this. I was at this time the empty shell of the woman I was when I was 17. I believed no one would want me a single mom of 4 children and that I was worthless. In 2016 I lost my children and thought I would never recover from that. I spent a year feeling sorry for myself and continued to use.
Eventually enough was enough. I was either never going to get clean or I could fix up and become the person I was before I started to use. The strong minded woman I knew was inside me.
With the help of “Recovery Near You” and an organisation called “Switch” - who never gave up on me even when I didnt turn up to appointments or wouldnt answer the phone - I finally did it. I got clean.
I changed my whole mind set, changed the friends I was hanging about with. Went to see “Switch” and “Recovery Near You”. I took the help that was offered to me but most of all I wanted my children back.
I wanted to give something back and help people come through what I have. So I went to SUIT to see if I could become a volunteer. I started in September this year and it’s the best thing I could have ever done.
I love getting up in a morning to go to SUIT. Every day is different and giving something back is so rewarding. I have now been in a stable relationship for the last 17 months I am still fighting for my children and won’t stop until I do finally get them back with me. I have been clean for almost a year and I havent looked back since.
I can finally say I am happy with my life and the sky is the limit. Also my mental health is the best it’s
been for years. All I can do now is think positive and stay positive.
The Monkey that lives on your back.
She hates herself
But she hates the monkey more
Always on her back
Scratching and screaming at you all the time
Always on your back
Always on your back
No peace
No rest
No nothing
Just you and your monkey
Anon
